Modern Day Sex Ed: Google

I have not written anything on my blog in a few months. Life has been extremely busy (and on the not-so-busy days, I have opted to just take my down time to rest up). Big changes are coming my way! I am starting a Masters in Public Health at UC Berkeley in about one week, as part of the "Health and Social Behavior" cohort. I am both excited and nervous as I prepare for this next journey! And I am ready to get back at it with the writing!

One topic I have had on my mind lately is internet boundaries for youth. I wrote a few posts that were somewhat tangential to this issue a while back, such as the one about cyber bullying and the one about limiting the content I access personally.

Recently, however, I feel like the topic of sexuality and sexual education via the internet has been swirling all around me. Just a few days ago, I read a very important blog post titled, "Three Things You Don't Know About Your Children and Sex," by Ann Marie Miller. (Note that this post is so popular that you may get an error if you are trying to access it at pique times.) The main point I gleaned from the article is that today, when kids don't know what a word means at school, they simply Google it. And guess what that exposes them to? Pornography. Maybe even pornography showing types of sex you and I have never heard of.

Source: http://www.techaddiction.ca/children-and-technology.html

I remember being in 5th grade many years ago when my friends were cracking jokes about "sixty-nine-ing." I pretended like I knew what they were talking about and laughed along. Later, I privately asked a friend what it meant, and she just said, "Think about it. 69. Get it?" My guess is that she did not know either.

But it was not just among my friends where this sort of perplexing situation happened. In 7th grade health class, we were learning about sexually transmitted diseases and other topics of "safe sex." The teacher said in class that "one possible consequence of anal sex is a ripped anus." At that age, I was embarrassed that I did not know what an anus was (note for those wondering - it's your butt), and I never asked a soul. I just made something up in my mind about what it might be (incorrectly) and moved along. Somewhere between then and probably 9th grade, I heard the real meaning in passing, but I know I went quite a while not knowing.

Now imagine if this had happened to me today. Imagine that as a 5th grader I searched for the meanings of those words on the internet. What would almost certainly come up first would be pornography depicting these acts, and I would be exposed to graphic content by no intent of my own. Hopefully, you get the picture.

Am I saying that anal sex or the 69 sex position are inherently wrong or "dirty?" Absolutely not! I believe that in the context of a consensual adult relationship, two people can discuss between themselves what is safe, respectful, and pleasurable, and no two relationships will look exactly the same on that front. What I do think is wrong, however, is a child searching the internet with little other context in which to discuss or understand sex, and coming to believe that various sex acts or attitudes they encounter are the norm for all couples. Or a child becoming addicted to the online images they see, such that they become desensitized to real future partners. Especially during the extremely formative developmental years, children may come to believe that they should "expect" certain acts, responses, grooming habits, etc. from future partners, and that can be extremely damaging to real life relationships, where very rarely does a partner fulfill every imaginable fantasy on demand.

I want to preface the rest of this post by saying that I am aware that many of the opinions expressed in this post are informed by my faith as an evangelical Christian and by my identity as a woman, through which I have come to believe that pornography is damaging to the sexual and emotional health of any person, regardless of age. I am also aware that intelligent, loving people may disagree with me when it comes to adult consumption of adult content. However, I hope that we can put aside our differences about the more controversial topic of adult viewership and still agree that consumption of adult content by young children is of actual consequence to their social, emotional, sexual, mental, and physical well-being. Young brains and bodies are just not at the same stages of development as those of an adult.

Although any type of pornography can be scary, confusing, or damaging to a child, I think it is worthwhile to point out that pornography today may be different than what you thought of twenty years ago when you came across your friend's dad's magazine in his basement. Some of the main differences are (1) an endless and constantly available supply, (2) an ability to search for any type of pornography until a person finds exactly what he/she is looking for, (3) the anonymity of viewing internet pornography (versus purchasing it in a store), and (4) perhaps most importantly, the content available and popular today, which often includes violent or fetishist acts. Although there have not been many studies to date directly addressing childhood pornography viewing, many psychologists will talk about their own clinical experiences of the types of damage done to their young clients, as discussed in this article from ABCnews. Additional information can be found on this page by ProtectKids.com, this fact sheet by the Coalition to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse and Exploitation, and many other informative sites that you will encounter with a simple Google search of "Damage of Pornography to Kids." Among the short-term and long-term concerns listed are impairment in developing real-life friendships and romantic relationships, unrealistic depictions of sex in a real relationship, unrealistic views of body image, violent images leading to violent in-person gender relations, a psychological separation of sex from emotional intimacy, expectations of fetishist acts from real life future partners, a sense of pressure to perform sexual acts that are uncomfortable or unwanted, addiction, acting out sexual acts on other children or generally engaging in sexualized behavior at a young age, normalizing sexually abusive scenarios, and normalizing adult/child sexual relations (if a child stumbles across pornography involving minors), among many other possible negative outcomes.

So how do we protect our children?

My mom did have a few sex talks with me, and my parents tried to be open and available for me when I needed them. I really believe that I grew up in a great household with wonderful, loving, supportive parents. But even so, my young mind thought I should be afraid to ask them what terms like "69" and "anal sex" meant (and maybe they would not have even known themselves about some of the terms I heard floating around the halls of school.) In her post, Ann Marie Miller talks about how children and parents need to have an ongoing dialogue about sex, not just a single moment of discussion. (Unfortunately, many parents do not even have that one talk.) There is no guarantee that your child will open up to you, of course, but starting those discussions early, as children become aware of their sexuality over time, raises the chances that if something does happen, be it around them, to them, or by them, they are more likely to feel safe confiding in you (or talking with another trusted adult), should they feel they need to.

Ann Marie Miller also points out that many parents think their child is the exception, but Miller says that parents just need to get that out of their heads. You may have great internet controls at home, and you may not provide internet access without parental involvement yourself, but chances are, some (maybe a large) proportion of your child's friends have smart phones, tablets, etc. that they carry around without those same protections. Even when I was growing up without any of that technology around, I had heard a surprisingly wide array of sexual information on the elementary playground, often completely unsolicited. Any child, of any age, of any race, of any socioeconomic background, of any religious upbringing can hear confusing words at school, can be exposed to pornography, can be molested by a trusted adult or stranger, can end up with deep sexual secrets that they are afraid to tell you or that may affect them for years to come.

Source: http://adage.com/article/adagestat/25-toddlers-a-smartphone/229082/

A few months ago, I read a book about pornography addiction called, "The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography," by Larry and Wendy Maltz. The book is very educational and talks about the personal damage, relational havoc, professional embarrassment, and other trials that pornography can escort into our lives. It also talks about steps to seek help and to get out of the addiction. I wanted to read about the topic, because I personally know a LOT of people (mostly Christians who have confided in me), both male and female, who have struggled with secret pornography obsessions at one point or another. I myself had viewed it for a period of several months in college, at a time which I would describe as the last step in a series of escalating issues I was handling poorly. I would say my own experiences were addictive to some extent, as it is difficult not to get addicted to something that releases so many pleasurable hormones into your system. At the height of my viewership habit, I found myself actually getting annoyed with good friends when our social plans interfered with my desire to view pornography. As it turns out, this is a very common experience! Yet thankfully, I believe God intervened when I had a life-changing moment during which I decided to put it away forever and never turned back. Sometimes I wonder how deeply I would be entrenched today if that change never happened. In reading the Maltzs' book, I wanted to understand more about the psychological underpinnings of pornography addiction and the best ways to respond to and support the recovery of my friends who are in the middle of it right now.

Does everyone who views pornography get addicted? No. But it is still a very real concern. Consider this: According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, of those who use heroine, it is estimated that 23% become dependent. That means 77% of people who try heroine have no problem with addiction, yet I would never recommend it to anyone I know. One might consider pornography in a similar light. The risk of addiction is real, and the relational risks, even apart from addiction, are also very real. Will everyone who looks at porn experience negative consequences? Maybe not. But do you want to leave that to chance with young children, who are particularly vulnerable? According to many surveys, children ages 11-17 are the biggest viewers of pornography, and about 70% of people say their pornography viewing is a secret. For more specific information about how pornography can actually be not just psychologically, but actually physiologically (body chemistry) addicting, check out this video series about the brain on pornography.

One of the most interesting (and scary) things I learned from "The Porn Trap" is that most people who do develop pornography addictions had their first exposure in elementary school, often times accidentally. And the exact age of first exposure is getting younger and younger with the widespread availability of internet access.

Couple this with the evidence presented in "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," by Peggy Orenstein, that we live in a culture which is sexualizing children in advertising all around us (for a recent example, read about the controversy over Victoria's Secret tween advertising), and you have a recipe for a generation of children experiencing sexuality in ways that you and I hardly had to worry about until our teen years or adulthood.

I highly recommend that you read Ann Marie Miller's entire post about the "Three Things You Don't Know About Your Children and Sex," as you may be surprised by what you read. Personally, I believe that even those of us without children need to be aware of what youth face today, as we may find ourselves mentoring youth who want to talk to us, or we may even know people in our adult lives who have had some of these experiences and need help to deal with them.

We definitely need to protect children from things that their young minds were not meant to process, so I am in no way saying that we should intentionally introduce our children to words or acts that are beyond their years. But no matter how hard we try, we simply cannot protect them from everything and everyone out there. They are highly susceptible to seeing, hearing, or personally experiencing something that you would never have wanted them to know at their age. The question is, to whom will they be ready to turn when this happens? Personally speaking, I would rather a child ask me what "anal sex" is than be so afraid of my reaction that they believe an internet search is their only option. For many children, if a loving and non-condemning adult does not listen and/or answer their questions, someone or something will, and it may be a frightening or inappropriate experience for them. In an age when more kids know how to use a smart phone than know how to tie their shoes, let's commit to being as educated and as open as possible, so that when youth do have questions or confusing experiences, they know that we (as parents, grandparents, friends, mentors, pastors, teachers, counselors, etc.) are there to listen and to help.

Funny Statistics

One of the things on the internet that often sends me into a minor rage (because, you know, there are just so few offensive things out there that I had to find something, anything to be annoyed at) is misuse of statistics. It is so easy for a manipulative writer to "deceive the masses" with numbers (myself often included), and then there are those who unintentionally misuse statistics in their articles and go about their merry days guilt free. That is among the reasons I wrote a post a while back about the benefits and limits of statistics. The point was really to encourage readers to think critically. Interestingly enough, that is my most popular post ever, so maybe I am onto something!

I seem to encounter statistically infuriating writing in the news or other websites on a near weekly basis, often written by "experts." Yikes! But this week, I found something statistically hilarious on buzzfeed.com: "The 10 Most Bizarre Correlations." Ok, I know I have a dorky sense of humor. But come on people, these are funny!

This is one of my favorites, because it realistically portrays what I actually see in articles on a regular basis:

Source: http://boingboing.net/2013/01/01/correlation-between-autism-dia.html

For those still scratching their heads about why this is absurd, notice that the two graphs are presented in total counts (total sales and total diagnoses), not as proportions of the total population represented by the graph. My best guess is that the population growth curve would match up very closely to these two metrics or that the population growth curve plus other factors would do so, but without that information specifically provided, we cannot know. It really doesn't mean that much statistically to say that there were four times as many disease diagnoses counted in 2008 compared to 1998 if there were also four times as many people alive in general (or if the methods for diagnoses became better, such that the disease was simply identified with greater ease). If that were the case, the rate of disease may have stayed constant. The same is true with the purchase or organic produce - it could be an increase based solely on having a larger population (or another possibility is that the number of organic produce purchases remained constant, with the price of the organic produce quadrupling, thus increasing total dollar sales). With this graph, we really have no way of knowing what this data really means, as it has no reference to how many people were in the population each year, nor do we have information on many other associated metrics. Without asking critical thinking questions, some might look at this and automatically conclude that there is a link between organic food and autism. Gotta love the misuse of science! I'll stick with my pesticide fruit, thank you very much!

This also reminds me of a funny xkcd comic:

Source: http://xkcd.com/1138/

As the comic author writes in the sub-text (when you hold your mouse cursor for a couple of seconds over the comic on their website), "There are also a lot of global versions of this map showing traffic to English-language websites which are indistinguishable from maps of the location of internet users who are native English speakers." Yes!

Another one of my favorites from the buzzfeed article is a 1960's study demonstrating that countries with slower growing economies have men with longer "male organs."

Source: http://www.nerve.com/news/love-sex/new-study-finds-correlation-between-penis-size-and-national-gdp-0

Or, as a slightly different, but more recent study showed:

Source: http://www.nerve.com/news/love-sex/new-study-finds-correlation-between-penis-size-and-national-gdp-0

I knew there was a silver lining to the recession! Ok, but seriously now - can you think of other factors that might create this effect, beyond the economic growth of a country? This is a test of your analytic prowess!

To see the rest of the odd examples of correlation, check out this awesome article: http://www.buzzfeed.com/kjh2110/the-10-most-bizarre-correlations.

Cyber Bullying: Beyond the Edges of the Computer Screen

I mentioned cyber bullying briefly in my last post on teen dating violence. Coincidentally, I have seen a number of articles on bullying since then, so I want to add my thoughts with a bit more depth to the bullying conversation.

One of the particularly challenging aspects of bullying today is cyber-bullying, in part because it was not even around when many of the parents of today attended school. For the sake of this discussion, I will more broadly define cyber bullying as harassment or humiliation involving the use of modern technologies, such as cell phones (including text messages, photos, or phone calls) or computers (including email, websites, or social media).

In particular, I want to address one of the main themes I have seen in the comments after the bullying articles I have read lately. Many adults have responded to this outcry against bullying with comments about America "going soft." These posters say things like, "students need to hit bullies back," and simply "shut off the computer." One poster, who called himself or herself "Pork Earmarks" went so far as to respond to someone's personal testimony about cyber bullying by saying, "You can't be cyberbullied. Period." This skeptical individual continued to explain that comments made on facebook are not worth anything, because they are not verbal and may not even be sent directly to the individual being insulted; therefore, in this person's opinion, they are not part of "real life."

Image source: http://cyberbullying.us/2007_charts/cyberbullying_how_victims_felt_2007.JPG

There are so many things that immediately jump out at me when I read comments like this. Here are a few:

• The first is that I believe responses like this one are most likely to be made by those who did not grow up with the pervasive influence of technology in their childhoods and who do not understand how far-reaching its effects can be. A lot has changed in the last twenty years. The online world becomes increasingly intertwined with "the real world" with every day that passes. As you may know from previous posts, I do advocate for keeping oneself away from sites that trigger negativity (and I practice this personally). But when it comes to bullying, many individuals, both child and adult, who have experienced cyber-harassment will know that simply turning off the machine will not fix everything. This can be true even if the bully is a complete stranger and may be even more true if the cyber bully is a person also known personally outside of the cyber experience.
• Secondly, comments like the one above perpetuate the myth that verbal and emotional abuse are not truly hurtful. This person erroneously assumes that because someone is not being physically assaulted, there is no damage done. Remarks made in writing or online, as well as those delivered in person, can cut to the heart emotionally, elicit genuine fear in the victim, and leave a lasting psychological imprint. Get with the times and acknowledge that verbal abuse is real abuse.
• Thirdly, for those who advocate physical retaliation against bullies, even though I am not a proponent of violence, I am not going to say that there is categorically no instance where that can work. But at the very least, I can name many situations where it is not effective. First of all, if the identity of the online harasser is unknown, there is no one to attack. Furthermore, bullies often prey on those who they perceive as weaker and therefore unable to fight back (or they may work in packs). Additionally, even if further cyber activity is halted by punching a bully in the school hallways, the genius of the internet is that once something is put out there, it usually cannot be taken back. If an embarrassing photo is circulating the internet, for example, even if the original photo is taken down, copies of that image can continue multiplying through cyberspace and are nearly impossible to track and remove. Once the damage is done, it can continue indefinitely. Furthermore, as stated in point two, physically assaulting a bully to prevent future attacks does not remove the ongoing psychological effects of past verbal abuse or rumors circulating the school.
• Additionally, the social experiences of children and teens are extremely important and formative, and young brains are simply not wired to handle pressures the same way as adult brains. Asking a twelve year old to respond to bullying as if their sense of self was as developed as that of a forty-two year old simply does not make sense or align with the real experiences of that child.
• Beyond that, even adults handle social challenges in a variety of ways, depending on personality and life experience. I know that I personally would love to shrug off every naysayer I meet, and I have worked hard to develop a thicker skin over the years, but even so, I have had tremendously damaging and emotional interactions with people who took hurtful comments too far (both in person and through email). In general, I think that suggesting every single person should be able to "ignore" harassment in the same way one person does shows a profound lack of empathy for those who experience the world differently than the individual prescribing this course of action.

2010

Image source: http://cyberbullying.us/2010_charts/cyberbullying_gender_2010.jpg

2008

Image source: http://cyberbullying.us/2007_charts/cyberbullying_gender_victimization_2007.JPG

Even as an adult, I notice that I encounter negative and what I would call "bullying" remarks in the comment threads of reputable news organizations on a near daily basis. This tells me that bullying behavior is a pervasive part of our online culture. Luckily, I have a more mature hold on my feelings and greater security in my relationships than I did when I was 14, and perhaps more importantly, I don't have to go to school the next day with the posters of these insulting remarks. But especially for children and teens who have to face their online tormentors in person, the bullying doesn't stop at the edge of the computer screen.

I remember in high school (ten+ years ago), one of my best friends received an email containing song lyrics from another girl, with really mean words and phrases highlighted in bold. Sure, my friend was able to delete the email, but those words were etched in her mind, and she still had to see the sender every day in class and on her sports team. I also dated an extremely nice guy who was called a "fag" on internet message boards by "popular" people he barely knew. Of course, he was confident that his friends all loved him, and he generally did not have to hang out with the jerks around school, but it was still emotionally hurtful and personally shocking to know that those messages were being broadcast about him. I myself was the subject of speculation about my sexual experiences as a freshman in high school, because, as one person put it, "What else would you be doing when you go to someone's house after school?" I was also criticized behind my back for being open about my Christian faith throughout high school. Sure, those things didn't change the reality of who I was or what I did, but they still hurt. And truth be told, my twelve year old self probably made some comments through AOL instant messenger that were more hurtful than I ever would have said in person.

As prevalent as these behaviors were when the internet was just gaining popularity in my teen years, unfortunately, these types of experiences are becoming even more common today. My family got our first home computer when I was in middle school; flip phones were the new cool thing to get when I started driving as a teenager (yep, my first cell phone at 16); and facebook only came out during my senior year of high school and required a college email address to join at that time. Students today have smart phones, internet access, social media profiles, etc. available to them nearly all the time and from a very young age. Even if your child doesn't have those things, chances are, a number of their peers do. The below chart of teen technology usage is based on a 2010 study of over 4000 teenagers in the southern United States. A 2011 Pew Research study showed that 95% of teenagers use the internet and a full 80% of those online participated in social media sites. These numbers continue to rise rapidly, as has the switch in the last two years from standard cell phones to smart phones, which provide 24/7 internet access (with more than half of cell phones in the U.S. being smart phones as of May 2012). All that is to say, these 2010 numbers are a good guide post and show the prevalent use of technology among teens, but keep in mind that almost all of the below values are undoubtedly markedly higher today in 2013.

Image source: http://www.cyberbullying.us/2010_charts/teen_tech_use_2010.jpg

In many of the articles I have seen this week, students tell stories of other students creating fake profile pages on social media sites, where they use the pages to spread lies or make malicious comments. This is a completely new form of bullying that very few parents today would have experienced. In these instances, the victim does not even have to be involved with an online presence at all, yet rumors and negativity can follow the student to school in ways beyond their control. Telling the victim of this type of bullying to simply "keep away from the computer" is like telling your child to just "cover their ears" when a bully is insulting them in person. Sure, the sound will be a lot quieter, but it doesn't change the child's internal knowledge that someone is hurling insults his or her way and that other peers are well aware of what is being said.

Image source: http://www.callnerds.com/what-is-cyber-bullying/

As you can see from the above charts, studies differ on the exact frequency of cyber bullying experiences. Yet all paint the picture that cyber bullying is all too common. The growth of cyber bullying has added many new layers to the childhood social experience, enabling attackers to spread gossip, inappropriate pictures, and threats to a much wider audience than in past. Cyber bullying can also help attackers maintain a level of anonymity not previously available, and even when not anonymous, technology can provide a certain "distance" from the comments being made (since the bully doesn't have to directly confront the victim to his or her face.) The psychological scars of cyber harassment are just as real as those that come from being slammed against a locker, and I am truly alarmed by the lack of understanding around the effects of verbal/emotional abuse in our culture.

Let's start a conversation about bullying where we come to the table acknowledging that our childhood experiences were different than those of children today. Let's listen and show empathy for the experiences of those who have been victimized and those who have bullied others (often the same children). Then we may have a real chance at understanding what cyber bullying is doing in our schools today.

For more information on teen internet usage, check out the Pew Research Center. For more information on cyber bullying, visit the websites of the Cyber Bullying Research Center or STOP Cyberbullying.