Cyber Bullying: Beyond the Edges of the Computer Screen

I mentioned cyber bullying briefly in my last post on teen dating violence. Coincidentally, I have seen a number of articles on bullying since then, so I want to add my thoughts with a bit more depth to the bullying conversation.

One of the particularly challenging aspects of bullying today is cyber-bullying, in part because it was not even around when many of the parents of today attended school. For the sake of this discussion, I will more broadly define cyber bullying as harassment or humiliation involving the use of modern technologies, such as cell phones (including text messages, photos, or phone calls) or computers (including email, websites, or social media).

In particular, I want to address one of the main themes I have seen in the comments after the bullying articles I have read lately. Many adults have responded to this outcry against bullying with comments about America "going soft." These posters say things like, "students need to hit bullies back," and simply "shut off the computer." One poster, who called himself or herself "Pork Earmarks" went so far as to respond to someone's personal testimony about cyber bullying by saying, "You can't be cyberbullied. Period." This skeptical individual continued to explain that comments made on facebook are not worth anything, because they are not verbal and may not even be sent directly to the individual being insulted; therefore, in this person's opinion, they are not part of "real life."

Image source: http://cyberbullying.us/2007_charts/cyberbullying_how_victims_felt_2007.JPG

There are so many things that immediately jump out at me when I read comments like this. Here are a few:

• The first is that I believe responses like this one are most likely to be made by those who did not grow up with the pervasive influence of technology in their childhoods and who do not understand how far-reaching its effects can be. A lot has changed in the last twenty years. The online world becomes increasingly intertwined with "the real world" with every day that passes. As you may know from previous posts, I do advocate for keeping oneself away from sites that trigger negativity (and I practice this personally). But when it comes to bullying, many individuals, both child and adult, who have experienced cyber-harassment will know that simply turning off the machine will not fix everything. This can be true even if the bully is a complete stranger and may be even more true if the cyber bully is a person also known personally outside of the cyber experience.
• Secondly, comments like the one above perpetuate the myth that verbal and emotional abuse are not truly hurtful. This person erroneously assumes that because someone is not being physically assaulted, there is no damage done. Remarks made in writing or online, as well as those delivered in person, can cut to the heart emotionally, elicit genuine fear in the victim, and leave a lasting psychological imprint. Get with the times and acknowledge that verbal abuse is real abuse.
• Thirdly, for those who advocate physical retaliation against bullies, even though I am not a proponent of violence, I am not going to say that there is categorically no instance where that can work. But at the very least, I can name many situations where it is not effective. First of all, if the identity of the online harasser is unknown, there is no one to attack. Furthermore, bullies often prey on those who they perceive as weaker and therefore unable to fight back (or they may work in packs). Additionally, even if further cyber activity is halted by punching a bully in the school hallways, the genius of the internet is that once something is put out there, it usually cannot be taken back. If an embarrassing photo is circulating the internet, for example, even if the original photo is taken down, copies of that image can continue multiplying through cyberspace and are nearly impossible to track and remove. Once the damage is done, it can continue indefinitely. Furthermore, as stated in point two, physically assaulting a bully to prevent future attacks does not remove the ongoing psychological effects of past verbal abuse or rumors circulating the school.
• Additionally, the social experiences of children and teens are extremely important and formative, and young brains are simply not wired to handle pressures the same way as adult brains. Asking a twelve year old to respond to bullying as if their sense of self was as developed as that of a forty-two year old simply does not make sense or align with the real experiences of that child.
• Beyond that, even adults handle social challenges in a variety of ways, depending on personality and life experience. I know that I personally would love to shrug off every naysayer I meet, and I have worked hard to develop a thicker skin over the years, but even so, I have had tremendously damaging and emotional interactions with people who took hurtful comments too far (both in person and through email). In general, I think that suggesting every single person should be able to "ignore" harassment in the same way one person does shows a profound lack of empathy for those who experience the world differently than the individual prescribing this course of action.

2010

Image source: http://cyberbullying.us/2010_charts/cyberbullying_gender_2010.jpg

2008

Image source: http://cyberbullying.us/2007_charts/cyberbullying_gender_victimization_2007.JPG

Even as an adult, I notice that I encounter negative and what I would call "bullying" remarks in the comment threads of reputable news organizations on a near daily basis. This tells me that bullying behavior is a pervasive part of our online culture. Luckily, I have a more mature hold on my feelings and greater security in my relationships than I did when I was 14, and perhaps more importantly, I don't have to go to school the next day with the posters of these insulting remarks. But especially for children and teens who have to face their online tormentors in person, the bullying doesn't stop at the edge of the computer screen.

I remember in high school (ten+ years ago), one of my best friends received an email containing song lyrics from another girl, with really mean words and phrases highlighted in bold. Sure, my friend was able to delete the email, but those words were etched in her mind, and she still had to see the sender every day in class and on her sports team. I also dated an extremely nice guy who was called a "fag" on internet message boards by "popular" people he barely knew. Of course, he was confident that his friends all loved him, and he generally did not have to hang out with the jerks around school, but it was still emotionally hurtful and personally shocking to know that those messages were being broadcast about him. I myself was the subject of speculation about my sexual experiences as a freshman in high school, because, as one person put it, "What else would you be doing when you go to someone's house after school?" I was also criticized behind my back for being open about my Christian faith throughout high school. Sure, those things didn't change the reality of who I was or what I did, but they still hurt. And truth be told, my twelve year old self probably made some comments through AOL instant messenger that were more hurtful than I ever would have said in person.

As prevalent as these behaviors were when the internet was just gaining popularity in my teen years, unfortunately, these types of experiences are becoming even more common today. My family got our first home computer when I was in middle school; flip phones were the new cool thing to get when I started driving as a teenager (yep, my first cell phone at 16); and facebook only came out during my senior year of high school and required a college email address to join at that time. Students today have smart phones, internet access, social media profiles, etc. available to them nearly all the time and from a very young age. Even if your child doesn't have those things, chances are, a number of their peers do. The below chart of teen technology usage is based on a 2010 study of over 4000 teenagers in the southern United States. A 2011 Pew Research study showed that 95% of teenagers use the internet and a full 80% of those online participated in social media sites. These numbers continue to rise rapidly, as has the switch in the last two years from standard cell phones to smart phones, which provide 24/7 internet access (with more than half of cell phones in the U.S. being smart phones as of May 2012). All that is to say, these 2010 numbers are a good guide post and show the prevalent use of technology among teens, but keep in mind that almost all of the below values are undoubtedly markedly higher today in 2013.

Image source: http://www.cyberbullying.us/2010_charts/teen_tech_use_2010.jpg

In many of the articles I have seen this week, students tell stories of other students creating fake profile pages on social media sites, where they use the pages to spread lies or make malicious comments. This is a completely new form of bullying that very few parents today would have experienced. In these instances, the victim does not even have to be involved with an online presence at all, yet rumors and negativity can follow the student to school in ways beyond their control. Telling the victim of this type of bullying to simply "keep away from the computer" is like telling your child to just "cover their ears" when a bully is insulting them in person. Sure, the sound will be a lot quieter, but it doesn't change the child's internal knowledge that someone is hurling insults his or her way and that other peers are well aware of what is being said.

Image source: http://www.callnerds.com/what-is-cyber-bullying/

As you can see from the above charts, studies differ on the exact frequency of cyber bullying experiences. Yet all paint the picture that cyber bullying is all too common. The growth of cyber bullying has added many new layers to the childhood social experience, enabling attackers to spread gossip, inappropriate pictures, and threats to a much wider audience than in past. Cyber bullying can also help attackers maintain a level of anonymity not previously available, and even when not anonymous, technology can provide a certain "distance" from the comments being made (since the bully doesn't have to directly confront the victim to his or her face.) The psychological scars of cyber harassment are just as real as those that come from being slammed against a locker, and I am truly alarmed by the lack of understanding around the effects of verbal/emotional abuse in our culture.

Let's start a conversation about bullying where we come to the table acknowledging that our childhood experiences were different than those of children today. Let's listen and show empathy for the experiences of those who have been victimized and those who have bullied others (often the same children). Then we may have a real chance at understanding what cyber bullying is doing in our schools today.

For more information on teen internet usage, check out the Pew Research Center. For more information on cyber bullying, visit the websites of the Cyber Bullying Research Center or STOP Cyberbullying.

The Obesity Epidemic and Physical Appearance: The Heart of the Matter

"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ~1 Samuel 16:7b

You may have heard about the Georgia campaign against childhood obesity that has started a major conversation around the country. Many bloggers seem to have opinions about the controversial ads. Since I have written several posts related to childhood obesity, I thought I should chime in, as well.

To put it bluntly, I don't like the ads. I find them offensive and unhelpful.

The ads feature pictures of overweight children with captions like, "It's hard to be a little girl if you're not." They were intended to grab the attention of passers-by and to get a conversation started. As I mentioned in my post on Childhood Obesity and Food Insecurity, the organization that ran this campaign, Strong4Life, conducted a study which showed that 75% of parents of obese children in Georgia do not think their child has a problem. So start the conversation they did, by thrusting all the negative stereotypes of obesity even more directly in the faces of the public.

My main gripe with this ad campaign is that it fuels the negativity about physical appearance with which overweight children are almost certainly already bombarded on a regular basis.

Now don't get me wrong. I do think childhood obesity is a serious problem. I think doctors need to be straight with parents. I think parents need to come to grips with reality. And I even think it's ok to discuss your child's weight problem with him or her under most circumstances. But I do NOT think it is ok to make this an issue of physical appearance.

While the ads may have aimed to show many effects of obesity through their captions, the message they sent loudest of all was, "See the image of this body? It is not acceptable. And you need to fix it."

I believe the appropriate way to address the issue of childhood obesity is from the perspective of the health and lifestyle effects of carrying excess weight. This focus shows concern for a person's well-being, not critical or self-righteous judgment.

The Health Consequences

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in a study of five to seventeen year olds, 70% of obese youth had at least one risk factor for cardiovascular disease. Obese adolescents are more likely to develop prediabetes, a condition of elevated blood glucose that can lead to type II diabetes. According to the Mayo Clinic, type II diabetes itself, which used to be called "adult onset diabetes," is growing in prevalence among children, largely due to the obesity epidemic.

The CDC also states, "One study showed that children who became obese as early as age 2 were more likely to be obese as adults....and are therefore more at risk for adult health problems, such as heart disease, type 2 diabetes, stroke, several types of cancer, and osteoarthritis."

The Lifestyle Consequences

Not only does a high Body Mass Index put children at risk for chronic disease, but it may inhibit them from participating in activities they do (or would) enjoy, such as sports, dance, music, and theater, which often require stamina and endurance that may be limited by excess weight. For a young adult, obesity may even affect his or her stamina or self-confidence in sex. (Now that's a good reason to get fit, right?)

Where The Ads Went Wrong

Unfortunately, the negative effects of obesity don't end there. Obese children are more likely to be bullied or to experience depression. Obese adults are more likely to experience discrimination on the job (as often as racial discrimination, according to one study, and possibly more often than age or gender discrimination).

And this is where I think the Georgia ads get the issue wrong. While I think we should be campaigning to "change" obese people for the benefit of their physical health, longevity, and a better lifestyle, I think we should be campaigning to change ourselves for the problems that result from discrimination based on physical appearance. Judging anyone by physical appearance is not a problem with the person being judged; it is a problem in our own hearts and minds. Sure, some people's appearances may be a clue as to what is going on inside their heads or hearts, but this is not a universal truth. No person's worth is based on his or her appearance, and we should not perpetuate that myth ever.

To tell our children that we agree with the world's judgement that worth can be based on appearance is a tremendous mistake. To love someone despite their imperfections is not the same as tacit approval of their every choice. It is the nature of love itself.

Some will say that obesity is lethal, so we should go to extremes to curb or prevent it, even if it means hurting someone's feelings. I would agree that a little hurt feeling in the context of an intentional and caring conversation about health is well worth it. But in my view, to bring appearance into the conversation is not simply about a little hurt feeling; it may impose long-lasting damage. It is beyond a mere temporary pain when we tell a person, with a mind and heart, that our love is contingent on a particular physique. Appealing to a child's vanity may provide short term success, but it ultimately sets the child up for long term problems. To shame a child into losing weight is putting a skewed view of personal worth on a pedestal and sacrificing the ultimate mental health of the child in order to serve the false god of physical perfection.

The Media Has The "Judgment" Thing Covered

Children are already besieged by an unending stream of messages about their physical appearance.

I recently read a book called, "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," by Peggy Orenstein. While I lamented the disorganized and desultory nature of the book to my book club friends and thought the author made some grand leaps of logic, the overarching theme of the work stuck with me. Children are exposed, almost from birth, to a plethora of marketing images that tell them they need to fit into a specific mold. For girls, this mold largely leads to the conclusion that to be cool and accepted is to be "hot." A woman's worth comes from her physical appearance.

Anyone who watched the Superbowl ads will likely recall the GoDaddy segments featuring scantily clad women enticing the watcher to go to GoDaddy.com to "see more." I would not have known that this is a domain name registration site had my husband not told me. Photographers secretly take pictures of every inch of cellulite on an actress at the beach and enlarge the images for the covers of the magazines we see in the grocery store. We even grow up watching soap and deodorant commercials that tell us if we buy the product, we can look like the model.

I am pretty sure I get the point already. My cellulite is not acceptable, my breasts aren't perky enough, and I would never be called beautiful by a major news outlet.

For a kid being exposed to this constant marketing, the idea that certain body types are more valuable may become deeply ingrained. This can lead to bullying (by the kid who thinks others are unacceptable) or a sense of shame (for the kid who thinks he or she is the unacceptable one). In some cases, both lines of thinking may be at work in the same child.

One Piece of Evidence: Eating Disorders

It's all well and good for me to say that this is having a negative impact on obese children (and on all children, really), but what is the evidence?

I submit that one important signal of the impact is the growing prevalence of eating disorders among youth. According to a study published in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, as cited by the National Eating Disorder Information Center (NEDIC), girls who reported body-based teasing by family members were 1.5 times more likely to engage in binge eating and extreme dieting behaviors five years later. A Canadian study also cited on the NEDIC site showed that 37% of girls in grade nine and 40% of girls in grade ten wished they were thinner. Even among those considered a healthy weight based on BMI, 19% believed they were too fat and 12% reported attempting to lose weight.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, the number of young women aged 15 - 19 diagnosed with eating disorders has risen every decade since 1930. But it is not only teenagers who are affected. Psychotherapist Abigail Natenshon was cited in a recent Parenting magazine article as saying that "the average age for the onset of anorexia used to be 13 to 17. Now it's 9 to 12, and children as young as 7 have been diagnosed." In this same article, I learned that 10% of adults with eating disorders showed clear symptoms before the age of ten, and more than 60% of elementary and middle school teachers report that eating disorders are a problem in their classroom. Did you read that? Elementary school! In a 2010 article from Health Day, I learned that the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality found that hospitalizations for eating disorders jumped 119% for kids under age 12 between 1999 and 2006. 

 Not only that, but anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. The South Carolina Department of Mental Health website cites a study conducted by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, which reported that 5 - 10% of anorexics die within ten years of contracting the disease, 18 - 20% within twenty years, and only 30-40% ever fully recover. Other sources show lower numbers - the ANAD website itself now says that the American Journal of Psychiatry (2009) concluded that the ultimate mortality due to eating disorders is 4% for anorexia nervosa, 3.9% for bulimia nervosa, and 5.2% for eating disorders not otherwise specified. One of the reasons the statistics may vary between sources is that deaths related to eating disorders may be recorded under other causes, such as heart failure. Regardless, anorexia still stands at the top of mental illness mortality.

My Take

While it is important for us to recognize and address the growing obesity epidemic in our country, it is also worthwhile to pay attention to the unintended consequences of the strong rhetoric around the issue. At the same time obesity rates are growing, so are those of eating disorders and unnecessary dieting among youth. And this is only one of the potential problems that arise with such a strong focus on physical appearance. There are undoubtedly countless other emotional, relational, and even physical effects.

By not telling obese kids that they look "different," we are not hiding the truth from them. Many children who are overweight, and even many who are not, are already keenly aware of how their bodies are being scrutinized. The magazines they read, the television ads they see, the kids who bully them, the employers who don't promote them, are all sending them that message already. It's true that some parents and kids need a wake up call from a medical professional telling them they are on an unhealthy path. But the message we need to send is to take care of your body, for your own health's benefit, for the enjoyment of life, and for the sake of the work that God has for you in your time here.

Who you are and your personal worth as a human being are not based on how you look. 

Period.